I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
