I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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