ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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