You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
He called his prostate his "boner button".
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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