Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I looked at my own cervix.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
