I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
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