i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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