I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
