just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I have peed in a lot of sinks
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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