You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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