dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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