I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
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You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
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Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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