From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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