This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
