You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
