i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
