I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
