If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
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