I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
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Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
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I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.