i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.