A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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