Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
