i used baking grease as lip gloss
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
