Old men and throwing up are my life now.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
third nipple confirmed
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
