just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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