ya dads aren't the best wingmen
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Randomize
