thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
she smelled like a LAN party
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
