Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Randomize
