I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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