Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
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