I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
