can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Randomize
