Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
These tits shall not be calmed
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
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