Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
