By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Randomize