she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
