Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize
