I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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