I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
