hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Let's paint friendship bongs
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
