you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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