My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
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