Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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