what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
