I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Randomize
