I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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