Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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