yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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