Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
