I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Randomize
