Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
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