also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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