I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
True strength comes from lack of pants
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
