i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
