Just mADE A PArabola og urine
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Randomize
