Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
