You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Randomize
