I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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