I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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