when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
