I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
