I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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