In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Randomize
