Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Randomize
